I often wonder if I'm a good enough wife, a good enough mom, a good enough sister, daughter, friend, and mostly, a "good enough" Christian. There. I said it. Is that... okay?
Chris and I love our church and we love SoCal. This year has been such a growing year for the both of us as individuals as God speaks to us through the people around us and facilitates our moments and relationships. But. I sometimes feel like I somehow don't belong. I look around at my friends who yell less at their 2 year olds, allow their kids to get dirty because that's what kids do, spank their 2 year old less, keep their houses spotless, cook gourmet meals for their husbands to come home to, gets angry at said husband less, are gracious with forgiveness, who probably speaks less bluntly to a hurting sister who isn't asking for advice - just an ear, an auntie who calls more often, works out on a regular basis and is able to lose the "baby weight (does it still count as 'baby weight' even after 2 1/2 years? lol)," able to count calories and only cheat on "cheat days," can teach their 2 year olds to eat more than just rice with eggs or 'mov nste dlej' (rice with water) - like a grilled cheese sandwich (Who doesn't eat grilled cheese sandwiches?! Amelia doesn't!) etc. and I'm scared of how ashamed I would be if they found out. If they knew that I struggle to be all of the above. And a lot of times, I don't even come close. It is. So. Hard.
Tomorrow, I'll play with Amelia more, I say. Or, tomorrow I'll yell less, I'll be more gracious, I won't nag when Chris gets home, I'll listen more than I speak, I'll be kinder, I'll smile more, etc. and sometimes it works, but mostly, it doesn't. How do I come up as inadequate so often?
This all sounds depressing, doesn't it? Debbie downer, much? Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing life and I do love it, but these moments creep up on me from time and time and I'm almost left gasping for air as I flail around like a drowning victim.
I know I'm not alone in feeling like this (...right?). But sometimes it feels like I am.
And I know, I know, Jesus came to right all of these things in me. The Spirit intercedes on my behalf. God the Father chose to love me regardless of those things that are so shameful that I just can't do. I remember that. But what about the days where it feels like... complete failure anyway?
I realize there's a price to wanting to be more committed to blogging - like total honesty. So honestly... why are we so hard on ourselves?
Hnou! I love your honesty. I feel this way all of the time and the funny thing is that I'm not a mother or wife. But, I still struggle with inadequacy. It's amazing how sometimes we think if our circumstances changed life would be different, and we might actually have things together but really, we're more alike than different in our struggles, regardless of season of life. Sometimes I think if I was a wife and mother, I'd have it together (but, more than likely, I would struggle in the same way). In my inadequacy, I see the adequacy of Christ and actually cherish it..because I can't do this life. Megan Reuber is not strong enough, organized enough, kind enough, patient enough, brave enough, etc.
ReplyDeleteBUT, God is enough. To cover our failures. To speak to us when our hearts are hardened and we hide ourselves from His beauty and goodness. To reach into the messiness and whisper words of truth and love. "I'm not done with you yet." "I will never leave you nor forsake you." "I'm making all things beautiful." "Wait on me."
And that's our hope. Not us. Not our ability to get our lives together. Not the circumstances or people around us. We are all inadequate (some of us are just better at hiding it than others). And when we are honest, we give each other the freedom to openly proclaim that God is our strength in the midst of our weakness - and there is true childlike joy in that proclamation. He is our loving Father who works all things for good, and gently loves and disciplines us so that we may have full joy.
So, this gives me great hope. I'm not alone. Apparently I need Christ as much as you do. :) And so together we walk by the spirit and His power. Thanks for sharing. Much love to you and praying for you today.
This spoke to my heart on so many levels, Meg. Thank you. Love, prayers, and hugs to you, friend!
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